Dear Golda,
My spouse and I voted differently, as did many friends and family members. I can’t understand how they came to their decisions and we can’t have calm rational discussions about it. My preferred political candidate won, so I know I should be the bigger person and make the first moves toward reconciliation, but I seem stuck in an anger doom vortex that I can’t pull out of.
I don’t get want to go down a rabbit hole of political issues, but I’m having trouble moving on and accepting that these people may have different views and did not personally vote for a different candidate as a personal attack on me.
Do you have any advice how I can repair relationships with the people in my life and move on? Would it be better just to cut myself off for awhile and avoid them during the holidays?
Still Angry in America
Let me preface this response honestly and admit this is something I am working on myself. Most people in America are still decompressing after such a high stakes election cycle, and I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of.
This was a divisive election. Politics in Israel and Europe also have been hotly contested in recent years and people in those countries are experiencing similar realities. We can bemoan the loss of civility and social norms in politics, but it won’t change them. I don’t think we’re going back to those times, if they ever really existed. Afterall, America has survived the Civil War, military conscription during unpopular wars like Vietnam, and political corruption during events like Watergate. Yet we are still here and we are still united as one country.
That said, it certainly feels as though we are at an inflection point where many important decisions about the future will come to a head, and given how passionately and differently people feel about a range of economic and social issues, it’s bound to create some bad blood.
Let’s start with addressing the positive elephant in the room. There have not yet been any widespread riots, even though election denialism as a feature of both political parties right now certainly increased the likelihood of physical violence. That’s important and should be celebrated.
Now let’s jump into five ways we can repair relationships with the important people in our lives.
Set Clear Boundaries: If you know you can’t have civil conversation with certain friends or family members, set some ground rules. Usually this looks like just agreeing to avoid political discussions, especially at family events with lots of other people. It can also look like agreeing not to make personal attacks or to a discussion format that is more structured.
Engage with Curiosity and Empathy: Try to ask questions and be actively listen to the other persons answers as opposed to rehashing tired talking points from traditional media outlets. If you’re truly trying to understand their positions and not trying to “win” an argument, the chances of reconciliation are much higher. Paraphrase what the are saying back politely, to confirm understanding of what they are trying to communicate and not what you think you are hearing.
Find Common Ground: You may be surprised to learn when engaging in talks in good faith that you have more in common than you think. Even on policies where you disagree, you may find common ground. For example. you may agree it’s important to have secure borders, but disagree with mass deportations.
Avoid Personal Attacks: Keep discussions focused on ideas, not personalities. Avoid labeling and remember that political choices are multifaceted and can reflect broader life experiences or personal values. This is a tough one, which is why I’m repeating it again!
Respect Individual Agency and avoid group conversations: Remember that everyone has the right to their political opinion. Acknowledging this right can foster mutual respect. Even if the other people are serious morons. I know, I know, I’m working on it too. Also, group settings can amplify tensions. Personal talks allow for more open, less confrontational discussions.
Use this post election time to reflect on how politically differences have impacted your relationship. Find ways to talk about moving forward, and voice specifically for your desire to let go of any anger and resentment you may be harboring.
Carrying around anger only hurts you mentally and physically. Most families may not end up singing ‘kumbaya’ at Thanksgiving this year, but let’s try not to kill each other, and if we’re lucky, enjoy being around each other.
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Until next time.
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